How to Implement a Requirement (a.k.a. “The eMail Chain”)
When you work in a big company like ours, with a big budget and a lot of participants, you tend to learn a lot about how product development should be done.
One of the interesting aspects of modern R&D delivery processes is the use of e-mail to help mystify the business requirements, justify the existence of the different positions and pass the time.
Because some people might find this general statement a bit too general, and even, god forbid, silly, I will give an example.
Listed below is an actual e-mail chain* started by one of the architects in our company. I only changed 3 things:
- The order — a real chain (like a blog) starts at the end.
- I added an interpretation of what the writer actually meant (in [slant square brackets]) for people that do not read co-operative.
- The names — like someone actually care.
And now, here’s the trick:
Although it can be fun to read the whole thing through, you may read ONLY the slanted text to understand my point.
IO
* email-chain: electronic mail correspondence between more than 2 parties.
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 16:51
To: Leader, Tim; Loper, Dave
Cc: Yorass, Witkis
Subject: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Tim Dave,
I do not see the code that fills the item name/description in CT.
Any reason for that? Or I missed something in the code.
This is mandatory field for all the systems that need to read this common crap-pile.
Archie
(…copy paste of some code…)
[Someone said there is a problem in the system that according to my title I should understand, but know nothing about.
Please take the blame for me not doing my job.
Also, according to my title, I have access to the code, so do not mess with me!]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 9:52 AM
To: Tectus, Archie
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Please send a reference to the original requirement that was submitted to development
[I will not take the blame for your screw-ups. I know you are full of shit.
Also: I really don't care.]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 16:54
To: Loper, Dave
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
? what requirement relevant here?
I am asking you if you parse the name of the item in CT parser…
I can’t find it in the code (appear only in Intrica-CT parser).
So the crap-pile present the list of items w/o description or name.
Could you please let me know if this exist in the code? Because I can’t find it.
Archi
[I do not do requirements. I expect things to just be there.
I have no idea how to actually participate in a development cycle, and I think I am too important to be part of one.
Now, take the blame, or I will do what my grandfather did!]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 9:56 AM
To: Tectus, Archie
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
No you did not.
You said:
This is mandatory field for all the systems that need to read this common crap-pile.
It implies a requirement.
Just send the req. number, so I can track down the test that created the code you are looking for.
Dave
[1. I know you have no idea of what you are talking about.
2. This is an e-mail chain, and I know how to scroll down.
3. I really, REALLY, do not care what your Grandfather did (or anything else for that matter)]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 17:00
To: Loper, Dave
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Don’t know which req. relevant for that.
I see that in the crap-pile, there is field for ItemName.
But I can’t find it in the parser code.
Could you please help me to find this specific code that parse into this specific field?
Archie
[I got it!
You want to find the requirement that you did not fulfill, so Witkis can have a concrete proof you are to blame for my incompetence.
Great idea! Godspeed.]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 10:00 AM
To: Tectus, Archie
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
If it was not required it will not be there.
[Stick it in your rosy backside!]
Sent: Wednesday, January 20, 2016 10:31 AM
To: Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis; Toaner, Prodah
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Zane,
I see that the item name appear in the common crap-pile. Is this a requirement? Are there any req. number that relevant to that?
Archie
[Dammit! I have just realized I can find at least one more employee to take the blame for me!
I just love monstrous corporations!!!]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 3:36 AM
To: Loper, Dave; Tectus, Archie; Toaner, Prodah
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Hi Archie,
We are investigating this issue.
Can you please explain what is the requirement for the product name.
Thanks,
Billy.
[Got your email.
We will ignore it as soon as possible.
Also: Business requirements is not something we know about here, in the BA department. So you are most welcome to solve this problem by yourself.]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 14:05
To: Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane; Toaner, Prodah
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
1. It’s already exist in the crap-pile contract – but only the ICT parser provide this information, other parsers are not, and this is not acceptable.
2. It was defined in the past for mandatory and also defined in the consumer format as important.
3. Based on the 90 days project that we are doing now, there are requirements for several systems that consume this crap, without calling other services (like car-wash). This data exists in the original pile and there are no reason to use other services.
Archie
[1. I will not agree to this kind of insolence.
2. I never did my job, and not going to start now.
3. I know for a fact something I have 5 months to fabricate any way I like.]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 7:49 AM
To: Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane; Tectus, Archie
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Hi Archie,
The product name does not exist in the Complexi-T pile, not in the Least nor the Last version.
It will require additional effort from Last to add this to their pile.
We are investigating this, will update you soon.
Thanks,
Prodah
[As I already perceived, you know nothing.
I will continue ignoring you when I'm less busy]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 15:00
To: Toaner, Prodah; Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane; Manger, Smalltim; Nagger, Persistent
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Yes I see.
On the other hand I see that other systems (like un-expected-name and ICT) are sending this information.
I am curious how the consumer system is working? Seems that it appears in the system as it is in the original pile…but we are not providing the original pile…so what is missing here?
Also about another consumer? How is it presented today the items drill down?
Archi
[I do not need to know. I am above this pay grade.
But I added some other people in the “To” field, to make sure everybody know I am working my ass off!]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 15:35
To: Tectus, Archie; Toaner, Prodah; Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane; Nagger, Persistent
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Inside XXX they are generating the HTML irelevant-page based off of the crap-pile.
System and Other-System are doing direct calls to XXX to get the page.
Kroocky made this decision to have this logic here. I have talked with Chakie about this being an issue longer term when different formats (font, etc) will be required for customers.
Smalltim
[Whaff. Whaff. Whaff. Wiggle my tail. Whaff.]
Sent: Thursday, January 21, 2016 16:58
To: Toaner, Prodah; Loper, Dave; Nihilist, B. Zane; Manger, Smalltim; Nagger, Persistent
Cc: Leader, Tim; Yorass, Witkis
Subject: RE: Extractor item name/description in Complexi-T
Proda,
Right now we are in a situation where some fields in the common crap-pile are missing for CT customers (like, product name).
That means that in case we are going to use generic reports, analytics, etc, central systems that are based on the common crap-pile will failed to work.
Could you please come with final list of all the properties that are mandatory in the common crap-pile.
Archie
[Right now we are in a situation we should not have been in if a proper architecture was provided to the relevant product.
So I strongly ask the business team to provide a set of requirements I already failed to deliver in the past, so I may fail to do it again.
And please be quick about it. My time is extremely valuable!!!]
Goodness… that was long, wasn’t it?
If you managed to get this far, as part of being entitled to several diligence awards, I can try and give you my little piece of mind.
Email chains are the hallmark of inefficiency and organizational-dysfunction. It exposes to the fullest the inability of people to work together when central guidance is expected.
When you see something like this in your work place, you know for sure one thing: you have a twat for a manager (represented in the example by “Witkis Yorass”).
A competent manager would stop this chain at the 4th link, channeling it into some kind of productive meeting or work-item.
In this specific example, the participant of the conversation became so useless, due to low morale and/or skill-set, that the manager in charge just gave up, and let the ball roll unhindered.
When you see something like that in your work place, it is a good excuse to go out and find another work place. Or a rich widow. Or a sugar-daddy. Or win the lottery. Yes. This is it. See you in my Malibu house.